Ralph Steadman’s Whisky-Making Ladies

Gay Gordon Fanbuggery was never told whether she was a man or a woman. The product of relentless imbreeding. Gay was weaned as a boy since the Fanbuggerys had already got twelve daughters. Gay grew as tough as a man in a skirt and learned to arm wrestle and drink with the smugglers who frequented the Tilted Wig on the Isle of Muck. The only time she used her feminine charms was when there came a visit from the gaugers [British revenue officers  who inspect bulk goods subject to duty] which has to be said was rare. As they came ashore Gay would stand full square on the end of the jetty, flex her muscles enticingly and spit on the capstan until they turned around and went away. She was much praised by all smugglers for what they referred to as her art of seduction. In this way she fulfilled her womanhood without losing her heart to any man. Pipeworm Lola Clattie was courted by many a still man for her amazing pipework. She could magically wind a worm through any burn, transforming it into what appeared to be virtual undergrowth to a passer-by. Many an angler has cursed her very name on getting his tackle with Lola’s mangled wangle pipe network—a miracle of plumbing ingenuity in perpetuity… She was patronized by royalty who commissioned her to design the pipework for the organ in the private chapel at Balmoral. Peabroch Gwennie Bagdhu distilled her wort through babpipes and played pure Pibroach pipe music as the vapours condensed. She believed that the very soul of Scotland entered the spirit as it passed through her beloved instrument. She had her own technique of playing , developed over the years through her suck-blow counterpoint harmonic drone and scalic progressions which vibrated through the vapours creating a cacophony of pure liquid music.

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Josh is an author, former blogger, media critic, x-Capitol Hill legislative aide and White House assistant, business consultant, idea marketing specialist, a squatter at the global village virtual bar and an alpine rock gardener where he lives in Woodstock, NY.